Monday, August 22, 2011

All Two of Me

The moon, a bloated white ball, hangs high in the sky, lazily lying next to the twinkling white stars, on a soft black blanket untainted by clouds. All that can be seen for miles are the stars, the moon, and the completely black sky.
I look down from the starry heavens, once again sighing in total peace and serenity as I take in the beautiful landscape that stretches around me. No matter what direction you look in it is all the exact same, endless green. Not a tree, mountain, hill, building, road, trail, car, bike, or anything to scar the endless green that paints the earth for miles and miles and endless miles.
I feel a light breeze touch my face, making my simple white dress gently swirl about my legs and my short black hair blow out of my face. The breeze smells clean and fresh, with the slightest hint of something exotic. Perhaps it is jasmine, or orange blossom, or maybe even ginger. That smooth undercurrent of something exotic stirs in my brain thoughts of faraway places, long skirts with jingling bells, violin music floating on warm air, and brightly coloured birds sitting silently atop oddly twisted trees.
Looking down, I watch a flower form in my hand. The spring green vine twines around my arm, forming an odd sort of bracelet. A pure white lily buds, slowly opening its soft petals onto my wrist. It is so beautiful, so perfect; it is almost surreal.
I look around, savoring this perfect moment. The endless green, the starry night sky, the full moon hanging above my head, and the dainty white lily; they make it all so perfect. I never want to leave this place, ever!
Nevertheless, I know I must. This place is safe, happy, and calm, but it is not where I belong. I have to leave; I have to wake up into the horribly quiet room. I have to answer the endlessly tedious questions, asked from careless doctors wearing fake smiles. I have to take the endless stream of medicine, tests, trials, and observations; and I have to be horribly nice during it all.
I do not want to follow this painful cycle, but what choice do I have? I used to want it, the tests and the questions and all of it. I knew it was to make me healthy again. The other me, the one that saw the demons and heard the monsters, she did not want it. However, I always knew that she was never to be listened to, that is what the doctors told me.
Lately, it has not been quiet so easy. I cannot tell anymore who is in charge! Is it the crazy me that wants to stay here forever, in an attempt to avoid the pains and boredom that has become my life? Alternatively, is it the sane me, the tiny me that struggles to survive despite everything, that wants to stay here so she can have a break from the crazy me?
Gosh, it is all so confusing…
I look about, suddenly alarmed at the fading of my perfect fairyland. The green, the black, the stars and the moon are all turning a dismal grey, as if blanketed by heavy clouds. All sight is washed away from my eyes, the ground dropping from beneath my feet.
“Katie, it’s time for your Thursday screening test.” The man in white stood in the doorway, emotionless and cold. It isn’t the test that bothers me, it isn’t the fact that I am not a human to him, only a thing to be studied and fixed, it is the coat that bothers me. Yes, it is the coat. They all wear that plain, white, stiff jacket. It makes everything even more painful. It makes everything uniform and normal around me. It is a daily reminder that I am not the one wearing a white coat. I am not the normal one.
I am the weird one.
I am the broken one.
I am the one controlled by demons that do not exist, ruled by monsters that only I see, annoyed by people that have never lived, and studied my doctors that do not care.
I am schizophrenia’s prisoner.


I haven't posted in a while, due to the fact that I haven't written any poetry in a while. Lately I have been writing full stories, in an attempt to expand my abilities. I have not by any means given up poetry, I am just taking a little break :) Feel free to read some of my stories at My story, Normal, is the first story I ever finished :D It is under edit at the moment, meaning I am rereading it over and over again and rewriting parts to make it better. I am open to critism and suggestions, just send me a messenge on Wattpad or email me at Any feedback is good feedback :) Some of my better poems are posted there too. And a new story line I am working on, from the point of view of a schizophrenic teenager and her boyfriend. It's a work I havn't worked on recently, due to school beginning. I have been to busy to write :P But I plan to take some time this week/weekend to just sit down and write :)


Monday, August 1, 2011

THIS IS ME: A Rewinding Tape

My Mother wrote this:
This is me too many things I’ve
For a time from drugs and alcohol
                I was clean.
Right now I feel like a tornado that
                Destroys everything in its path,
Most people have never felt my
I can be a force to be reckoned
Showing fake emotions that are
                So stiff.
Life isn’t fun my heart is damaged
                Beyond repair,
Sometimes life just isn’t fair.
Loosing everything doesn’t really
                Matter at all,
What you ask created my downward
Three children I love so dear,
Hurting them was my greatest
No one can save me I just don’t
                Think so,
Too far gone my demons they do
                Not know.
Time is very precious no one can
                Seem to spare,
True friends always at your side
                Are rare.
Looking at the sky I wonder
                When will it all end,
Does God know will an angel
                For me he send?
Why do people say they understand,
Their words are just plain bland.
How can you know what I’m
                Going through,
I am me not you.
Can’t you see I’m slowly dying
Begging God for a way out many
                Times I’ve cried.
It’s too late for me there’s no
Memories haunt me everyday like
                A rewinding tape.
“Dedicated to: my family who thought I was an unfit Mother”