The moon, a bloated white ball, hangs high in the sky, lazily lying next to the twinkling white stars, on a soft black blanket untainted by clouds. All that can be seen for miles are the stars, the moon, and the completely black sky.
I look down from the starry heavens, once again sighing in total peace and serenity as I take in the beautiful landscape that stretches around me. No matter what direction you look in it is all the exact same, endless green. Not a tree, mountain, hill, building, road, trail, car, bike, or anything to scar the endless green that paints the earth for miles and miles and endless miles.
I feel a light breeze touch my face, making my simple white dress gently swirl about my legs and my short black hair blow out of my face. The breeze smells clean and fresh, with the slightest hint of something exotic. Perhaps it is jasmine, or orange blossom, or maybe even ginger. That smooth undercurrent of something exotic stirs in my brain thoughts of faraway places, long skirts with jingling bells, violin music floating on warm air, and brightly coloured birds sitting silently atop oddly twisted trees.
Looking down, I watch a flower form in my hand. The spring green vine twines around my arm, forming an odd sort of bracelet. A pure white lily buds, slowly opening its soft petals onto my wrist. It is so beautiful, so perfect; it is almost surreal.
I look around, savoring this perfect moment. The endless green, the starry night sky, the full moon hanging above my head, and the dainty white lily; they make it all so perfect. I never want to leave this place, ever!
Nevertheless, I know I must. This place is safe, happy, and calm, but it is not where I belong. I have to leave; I have to wake up into the horribly quiet room. I have to answer the endlessly tedious questions, asked from careless doctors wearing fake smiles. I have to take the endless stream of medicine, tests, trials, and observations; and I have to be horribly nice during it all.
I do not want to follow this painful cycle, but what choice do I have? I used to want it, the tests and the questions and all of it. I knew it was to make me healthy again. The other me, the one that saw the demons and heard the monsters, she did not want it. However, I always knew that she was never to be listened to, that is what the doctors told me.
Lately, it has not been quiet so easy. I cannot tell anymore who is in charge! Is it the crazy me that wants to stay here forever, in an attempt to avoid the pains and boredom that has become my life? Alternatively, is it the sane me, the tiny me that struggles to survive despite everything, that wants to stay here so she can have a break from the crazy me?
Gosh, it is all so confusing…
I look about, suddenly alarmed at the fading of my perfect fairyland. The green, the black, the stars and the moon are all turning a dismal grey, as if blanketed by heavy clouds. All sight is washed away from my eyes, the ground dropping from beneath my feet.
“Katie, it’s time for your Thursday screening test.” The man in white stood in the doorway, emotionless and cold. It isn’t the test that bothers me, it isn’t the fact that I am not a human to him, only a thing to be studied and fixed, it is the coat that bothers me. Yes, it is the coat. They all wear that plain, white, stiff jacket. It makes everything even more painful. It makes everything uniform and normal around me. It is a daily reminder that I am not the one wearing a white coat. I am not the normal one.
I am the weird one.
I am the broken one.
I am the one controlled by demons that do not exist, ruled by monsters that only I see, annoyed by people that have never lived, and studied my doctors that do not care.
I am schizophrenia’s prisoner.