The moon, a bloated white
ball, hangs high in the sky, lazily lying next to the twinkling white stars, on
a soft black blanket untainted by clouds. All that can be seen for miles are
the stars, the moon, and the completely black sky.
I look down from the
starry heavens, once again sighing in total peace and serenity as I take in the
beautiful landscape that stretches around me. No matter what direction you look
in it is all the exact same, endless green. Not a tree, mountain, hill, building,
road, trail, car, bike, or anything to scar the endless green that paints the
earth for miles and miles and endless miles.
I feel a light breeze
touch my face, making my simple white dress gently swirl about my legs and my
short black hair blow out of my face. The breeze smells clean and fresh, with
the slightest hint of something exotic. Perhaps it is jasmine, or orange
blossom, or maybe even ginger. That smooth undercurrent of something exotic
stirs in my brain thoughts of faraway places, long skirts with jingling bells,
violin music floating on warm air, and brightly coloured birds sitting silently
atop oddly twisted trees.
Looking down, I watch a
flower form in my hand. The spring green vine twines around my arm, forming an
odd sort of bracelet. A pure white lily buds, slowly opening its soft petals
onto my wrist. It is so beautiful, so perfect; it is almost surreal.
I look around, savoring
this perfect moment. The endless green, the starry night sky, the full moon
hanging above my head, and the dainty white lily; they make it all so perfect.
I never want to leave this place, ever!
Nevertheless, I know I
must. This place is safe, happy, and calm, but it is not where I belong. I have
to leave; I have to wake up into the horribly quiet room. I have to answer the
endlessly tedious questions, asked from careless doctors wearing fake smiles. I
have to take the endless stream of medicine, tests, trials, and observations; and
I have to be horribly nice during it all.
I do not want to follow
this painful cycle, but what choice do I have? I used to want it, the tests and
the questions and all of it. I knew it was to make me healthy again. The other
me, the one that saw the demons and heard the monsters, she did not want it. However,
I always knew that she was never to be listened to, that is what the doctors
told me.
Lately, it has not been
quiet so easy. I cannot tell anymore who is in charge! Is it the crazy me that
wants to stay here forever, in an attempt to avoid the pains and boredom that
has become my life? Alternatively, is it the sane me, the tiny me that
struggles to survive despite everything, that wants to stay here so she can
have a break from the crazy me?
Gosh, it is all so
confusing…
I look about, suddenly
alarmed at the fading of my perfect fairyland. The green, the black, the stars
and the moon are all turning a dismal grey, as if blanketed by heavy clouds. All
sight is washed away from my eyes, the ground dropping from beneath my feet.
“Katie, it’s time for
your Thursday screening test.” The man in white stood in the doorway,
emotionless and cold. It isn’t the test that bothers me, it isn’t the fact that
I am not a human to him, only a thing to be studied and fixed, it is the coat
that bothers me. Yes, it is the coat. They all wear that plain, white, stiff
jacket. It makes everything even more painful. It makes everything uniform and
normal around me. It is a daily reminder that I am not the one wearing a white
coat. I am not the normal one.
I am the weird one.
I am the broken one.
I am the one controlled
by demons that do not exist, ruled by monsters that only I see, annoyed by
people that have never lived, and studied my doctors that do not care.
I am schizophrenia’s
prisoner.
this is my Favorite!!
ReplyDelete