Pretty Baby

“I did it. I killed my baby, and I don’t regret it. She deserved a worse death than I gave her.” Karla’s voice was strong and sure, though her words spoke volumes of her instability. The day was Thursday, December 23; a cold day, but was okay. Cold was okay. Karla sat curled up under a blanket against the plummeting temperatures. She could always just turn up the heat, but what was the point? Cold was good…cold was numbing. There could never be too much numbing in the world.

“She was a terrible child, you know. Always crying…always wanting something. If she wasn’t thirsty, she was hungry. If she wasn’t hungry, she needed to be changed. If she didn’t need that, it was something else…always something else. She even cried when she was tired! Noise, noise, noise, all the time! She deserved to die…she did.” Her voice cracked, as she began a deep, hacking coughing fit. Stupid cold whether…always making people sick. Why couldn’t it be summer again? No one likes cold weather. Warmth is always best; like a warm hug that melts away all the pain…

Karla sat up, to tame down the coughing fit with a tall glass of cold water. She like the cold…cold was good. Why couldn’t everything be cold? She reached up and undid the sparkly green hair pin, letting her raven black hair fall around her waist in gentle waves. Across the room, the tall mirror showed a pale face. She barely recognized the dull, flat grey eyes that sat deep into a pale, greying face. Had she always been that thin? Had her cheek bones always stuck out so far, making her look like a scrawny bird; was she really that ugly now?

It was the retched baby’s fault. Karla had a perfect life, until that monstrosity decided to invade her body. She was real pretty too, until she got fat. Funny…people had always flocked around her, loving who she was. And then, people gave her such dirty looks while she was pregnant. She was 16, she was pregnant; she just fell into the stereotype. Who she was before, none of that mattered. It didn’t matter who she was, only what she had done.

Truthfully, the brat wasn’t even her fault. Her cousin was to blame. He was the one that got drunk. He was the one that drugged her drink at the Halloween party last year. He was the one that raped her, out in the cold, dirty woods behind Grammy’s house. And he was the one that laughed and told everyone how crazy Karla was when she tried telling her parents. “Crazy Karla! She knocks herself up, and blames it on her COUSIN! Ha-ha!!”Everyone just assumed she was another stupid girl who made a few stupid mistakes.

Unfortunately, her dad wasn’t too keen on the idea of having a teen mom living under his roof. At first, he just tried beating the child out of her. Then he got sober, and realized how that would look to the neighbors. If his daughter died, people would talk; they wouldn’t say nice things. He certainly couldn’t ruin his perfect image! So he came up with a better plan. He decided to kick her out; a simple, easy, and cheap way to get rid of the nuisance and protect his image, all at once.

Sense then, Karla had been bouncing around homes a bit. For a while, she stayed with her friend Jacky. Then Jacky’s mom found out she was pregnant, and she didn’t want that kind of influence around her daughter. That’s pretty much how it all went; she would stay for a while with a friend, until the ‘rents kicked her out.

“It’s entirely all that brat’s fault…She was a horrible little thing! So ungrateful! I went through things no sixteen year old should have to go through; all to bring a little bundle of worthlessness into this world! And how was I repaid? The useless brat couldn’t even be healthy! Always crying…always crying! It never shut up! I told the thing I needed my meds…I told her I needed quite. I couldn’t afford my meds! She could have just shut up…but no! She just wouldn’t SHUT-UP!” She screamed and through her hair pin, shattering the mirror into a million tiny, glittering pieces. They feel to the ground, like so many glass tear drops.

The room was quite, save the sound of Karla’s labored breathing. She looked into the corner, at the small figure wrapped in a pink blanket. It didn’t move…it didn’t make a sound. For once in her short life, she was blissfully quiet.

Karla looked down at her bloody hands, for perhaps the 20^th time that day.

“I had to kill her…she made me.”

I'm BACK!!

HELLOOO!!! Gosh, I completly abandoned blogger there for a while! Sure, I uploaded a few things here and there, but nothing like I used to! :P Well, I'm back! I decided unstead of putting just my poems, I would put my other writings too. So, here goes! Imma upload a whole bunch at one time, sense I have a whole bunch I have written. I mostly write short stories now, dwelling mainly in dark teen fiction :) I have written one longer story but...it needs a lot of work...yeah. But I will upload that, even though it's a work in progress (it's called Normal). Just keep in mind, I'm still working on that one!!
Well, what's new with me?
Umm...I'm going to Europe this Summer :) I'm going with People to People, and I cannot WAIT!! XD Haha
I'm a sophmore now :) Yeah, almost outta highschool!! Can't wait! Love my school, and the crazy people in it (most of the time), but I can't wait to get out on my own! Duke University, here I come ;D haha
I'm a monotheistic Wiccan now. Yep, that's a pretty big change sense I started blogging here :) If ya want more info, check out my other blog http://silverwiccan.blogspot.com/ which is kinda an online Book of Mirrors (or Shadows, whatever you choose to call it. Theres a difference, but I don't bother to explain it). I have been a Wiccan for about...3 months now. It seems like much longer! Haha, I recently converted, but it feels like I have always been a Wiccan :) I love it...when I was a Baptist, I was never one of those annoying religious people. But now...I kinda am :) I just...gahh, I love it!! XD lol
I'm single. Again. Haha, this time, imma stay single for a while :) I just don't feel the need to go through all the trouble again. I mean, I have never really fell in love before (lust, deffinately. Love? nope!), and I don't hold much merit in the chances of finding it. Besides, I have better things to do! :)
Still living with my grandparents...and hating every day of it. Oh, I guess I have never complained bout that on this blog. Well, I don't have the happiest of families...but I deal. I mean, only a couple more years untill I'm outta here :)
Well...yep! That's me :D Haha


--SDS--

My Lady Calls Me

My Lady Calls Me

Death is calling me;

Her sweet voice I cannot ignore.

She beckons me with one slender, pale finger

Adorned with The Moonstone ring.

She carries the knife

-with which to slice away my useless, broken body.

She holds the silver spoon

-with which to dig out my pure, white soul.

She stands upon the scales,

-with which She uses to test my worth.

Will I pass the test?

Will I be granted entrance into Her Home?

Death is calling me; She shall be kept waiting no more.

Second Glance

Second Glance

I am angry yet I am still here

Everything I do I fail at I fear

Why must I go on, what for?

Someone’s knocking, I don’t want to open that

Door

Standing here I write but it all looks the same

I wonder how many times you called my name

How did it feel to realize I was gone

I bet you didn’t walk the floors until dawn

Did sleep come easy? Was I even missed?

Why? There’s many reasons it would be a long list

Say what you will I no longer care

All your questions all the time drove me insane

Sitting here I stare out my window at the

Pouring rain

Perhaps it is my fault oh well I don’t give a

Damn

A late night phone call to my dealer I need another

Gram

When I get enough the sun will be shining

Bright

One of these days re-uping could cost me my life

It just might

This is a roller coaster ride I can’t seem to

Get off of

Yes I know I have hurt the one’s I love

Stopping is hard I feel like I can’t

Dope sick my brain starts to chant

My eye lids begin to droop I try to stay alert

Driving is dangerous I’m numb it won’t hurt

Other people’s feelings don’t matter when I’m on

This shit

The things I’ve done my parents would have a fit

They created this they drove me to it can’t they see

Now they don’t care they just let me be

If I overdose who cares maybe they’ll be glad

Then when it’s too late they’ll realize the special

Woman they had

Wishing more and more that I could go back home

I really do

If they’d let me I’d walk that straight line that is

True

No matter how strict or hard I would gladly

Stay

I’d live my life serving God each and every day

Won’t you give me this one desperate chance

I promise I’ll never give drugs a second

Glance

This poem was written by an amazing woman (who's grammar, spelling, and poet structure mirror that of a third grader) I know and love like a sister. She grew up in a verbally and physically abusive home. Her parents divorced when she was 2, which took her away from the physical abuse. Unfortunately, her mother is the main cause for most of the pain she went through. She was verbally abused everyday, and it broke her. She made some bad choices, and ended up a drug whore, married to an abusive druggy/alcoholic, with three children that she certainly didn't know what to do with. Her family not once offered to help her; they simply made her know, as much as possible, that there was no way she could ever be worth the life they gave her. She was spirally down, praying to overdose and just end it all. Then, she just...didn't. She prayed for a light, for something to cling to. She prayed for a reason to live. And she found it, in the form of her three children. She saw how much her decisions affected the three children that she had brought into the world, and she realized she wanted to be a better person. She cleaned up her act. She has been clean and sober for a while now; she has completly changed her life. Life threw everything at her while she was trying to change: her dad died, her husband died, she got in many life-threatening situations involving cars and stupid people, etc. It seemed as though anything that could happen, did. And yet...she didn't turn back. To this day, her family talks trash about her behind her back and refuses to trust her or see her as a good person. But to me, she will always be my greatest inspiration to live my life with strength, honor, and commitment. She taught me to be strong, to never back down or give in. She taught me to always act like everyone is waiting for me to screw up, because chances are, they are. She taught me that protecting those I love is the first, and only important, priority. She taught me everything I needed to become the stable, happy person I am working towards being. Forgiveness is something I rarely ever give, but this amazing women deserves it! She is truely amazing :)

All Two of Me

The moon, a bloated white ball, hangs high in the sky, lazily lying next to the twinkling white stars, on a soft black blanket untainted by clouds. All that can be seen for miles are the stars, the moon, and the completely black sky.
I look down from the starry heavens, once again sighing in total peace and serenity as I take in the beautiful landscape that stretches around me. No matter what direction you look in it is all the exact same, endless green. Not a tree, mountain, hill, building, road, trail, car, bike, or anything to scar the endless green that paints the earth for miles and miles and endless miles.
I feel a light breeze touch my face, making my simple white dress gently swirl about my legs and my short black hair blow out of my face. The breeze smells clean and fresh, with the slightest hint of something exotic. Perhaps it is jasmine, or orange blossom, or maybe even ginger. That smooth undercurrent of something exotic stirs in my brain thoughts of faraway places, long skirts with jingling bells, violin music floating on warm air, and brightly coloured birds sitting silently atop oddly twisted trees.
Looking down, I watch a flower form in my hand. The spring green vine twines around my arm, forming an odd sort of bracelet. A pure white lily buds, slowly opening its soft petals onto my wrist. It is so beautiful, so perfect; it is almost surreal.
I look around, savoring this perfect moment. The endless green, the starry night sky, the full moon hanging above my head, and the dainty white lily; they make it all so perfect. I never want to leave this place, ever!
Nevertheless, I know I must. This place is safe, happy, and calm, but it is not where I belong. I have to leave; I have to wake up into the horribly quiet room. I have to answer the endlessly tedious questions, asked from careless doctors wearing fake smiles. I have to take the endless stream of medicine, tests, trials, and observations; and I have to be horribly nice during it all.
I do not want to follow this painful cycle, but what choice do I have? I used to want it, the tests and the questions and all of it. I knew it was to make me healthy again. The other me, the one that saw the demons and heard the monsters, she did not want it. However, I always knew that she was never to be listened to, that is what the doctors told me.
Lately, it has not been quiet so easy. I cannot tell anymore who is in charge! Is it the crazy me that wants to stay here forever, in an attempt to avoid the pains and boredom that has become my life? Alternatively, is it the sane me, the tiny me that struggles to survive despite everything, that wants to stay here so she can have a break from the crazy me?
Gosh, it is all so confusing…
I look about, suddenly alarmed at the fading of my perfect fairyland. The green, the black, the stars and the moon are all turning a dismal grey, as if blanketed by heavy clouds. All sight is washed away from my eyes, the ground dropping from beneath my feet.
“Katie, it’s time for your Thursday screening test.” The man in white stood in the doorway, emotionless and cold. It isn’t the test that bothers me, it isn’t the fact that I am not a human to him, only a thing to be studied and fixed, it is the coat that bothers me. Yes, it is the coat. They all wear that plain, white, stiff jacket. It makes everything even more painful. It makes everything uniform and normal around me. It is a daily reminder that I am not the one wearing a white coat. I am not the normal one.
I am the weird one.
I am the broken one.
I am the one controlled by demons that do not exist, ruled by monsters that only I see, annoyed by people that have never lived, and studied my doctors that do not care.
I am schizophrenia’s prisoner.

Posting

I haven't posted in a while, due to the fact that I haven't written any poetry in a while. Lately I have been writing full stories, in an attempt to expand my abilities. I have not by any means given up poetry, I am just taking a little break :) Feel free to read some of my stories at http://www.wattpad.com/user/vampygurl96 My story, Normal, is the first story I ever finished :D It is under edit at the moment, meaning I am rereading it over and over again and rewriting parts to make it better. I am open to critism and suggestions, just send me a messenge on Wattpad or email me at vampireslogin@gmail.com Any feedback is good feedback :) Some of my better poems are posted there too. And a new story line I am working on, from the point of view of a schizophrenic teenager and her boyfriend. It's a work I havn't worked on recently, due to school beginning. I have been to busy to write :P But I plan to take some time this week/weekend to just sit down and write :)

Always,
Tsuruya

THIS IS ME: A Rewinding Tape

My Mother wrote this:

This is me too many things I’ve

                seen,

For a time from drugs and alcohol

                I was clean.

Right now I feel like a tornado that

                Destroys everything in its path,

Most people have never felt my

                Wrath.

I can be a force to be reckoned

                With,

Showing fake emotions that are

                So stiff.

Life isn’t fun my heart is damaged

                Beyond repair,

Sometimes life just isn’t fair.

Loosing everything doesn’t really

                Matter at all,

What you ask created my downward

                Fall.

Three children I love so dear,

Hurting them was my greatest

                Fear.

No one can save me I just don’t

                Think so,

Too far gone my demons they do

                Not know.

Time is very precious no one can

                Seem to spare,

True friends always at your side

                Are rare.

Looking at the sky I wonder

                When will it all end,

Does God know will an angel

                For me he send?

Why do people say they understand,

Their words are just plain bland.

How can you know what I’m

                Going through,

I am me not you.

Can’t you see I’m slowly dying

                Inside,

Begging God for a way out many

                Times I’ve cried.

It’s too late for me there’s no

                Escape,

Memories haunt me everyday like

                A rewinding tape.

“Dedicated to: my family who thought I was an unfit Mother”

HAPPY DANCE

Okay, I am officialy happy dancing!! I submitted my poem, Undone, to the American Library of Poetry and there GOING TO PUBLISH IT IN THERE BOOK ACCLAIMED!!! XD YAY!! It has been submitted into the poetry contest, so theres a chance I could win stuff, but im not realy all that excited about that. I never win anything. Haha. besides, the fact that i am being published for the FIRST TIME EVER is AWSOME!!! :D I am like seriously happy, yay!! On this day: Thursday July 7th 2011, at 2:17 PM, I am a published poet ^_^ well, the book wont come out until the end of this year, I won't recieve it until december, BUT STILL! I recieved the letter today, I gave them the Okay to publish it, im published!! :D YAY

Tsunami 2011

I see the world
Through pained eyes,
A mere watcher of the cruelty.

I see the wrong
Through longing eyes,
If only I could take away the unfair pain
Wheighing on you weary souls.

I see the wave,
Through dying eyes,
And feel the terror of countless lives,
And I shudder at the loss...

Japan,
I pray for thee. <3

Tolerance

Black clothes,
Red lips,
Green and Blue hair,
Do not judge me.

Crooked glasses,
Arms full of books,
Squeking voice,
Do not judge me.

My girl at my side,
Lesbian pride,
Gays will survive
This hateful hive,
Do not judge me.

Black skin,
Olive tone,
Freckled cheeks,
Do not judge me.

I am me,
You will not change that,
Do not judge me!

Predator

You run from me,
Terrified of the power that radiates
               from my soul,
Black and Twisted,
Hungering for the forbiden red whine
Coursing through your pounding veins.

I catch you,
With lithe little arms,
Strength unmatched,
And feel the fangs come out.

I pierce the skin
Of your smooth slender neck,
So dark against my white marble skin,
A soft feather at my lips
As I slurp at my prize,
Gloating at my victory,
Already thinking of my next victim.

Haven

Printed pages,
Words of yore,
Rusting tin men,
Worn old blanket,
Faded bookmark,
My haven.

Yellowing pages,
Scripted ink,
Black castels,
Striped orange cat,
A folded corner,
My haven.

I dive headfirst
into the ever-changing world
Of the harmonious order
Of other-wise meaningless words
On thin, brittle pages,
My haven.

Helper

I sense it,
Soft whispers on the wind,
Unspoken pain from lips
Long dead.

I see the tears
Slide down transparent porcelien skin
And fall upon the white lace bodice
Of a virgin white dress.

Your story was lost,
A song never sung
To ears longing to hear.

I share your pain,
Pain that is not mine,
And your story I will tell,
To ears that need to hear.

Black Rose

The soft petals
Are velvet kisses,
A soft reminder
Of what never was
And never will be.

Undone

My heart is bound,

My fate is set,

My doom is sealed.

Theres no one left to save me,

Theres no one left to try.

As sure as the full moon shall rise tonight,

The Fates have cut the string.

Mine!

This is my life,

Not yours!

Who gave you the right

to rule over me?

Why do you think your in

charge?

You tell me what to do,

And where to be,

Just stop it!

I will live MY way!

This is my life,

Not yours!

Usless

Bruised,

Ripped,

Torn heart,

You are useless to me!

My heart.

It no longer beats,

It no longer pushes the vital blood

through thirsty veins.

I now scavenge for the life-giving wine,

Stealing it from weaker beings.

I kill,

Again and again,

But I know not what I do,

I know nothing more than my next fix.

Yes,

that's all it is to me now,

A drug.

What I once took for granted,

As something I would never have to fight for,

I know strive for everyday

Key 2 My Heart

What is it to love?

To care oh so deeply,

To be oh so happy?

I have been through so much pain,

My heart is ruined,

It's useless now.

And you claim you can fix me?

All you ask is for me to open up,

To unlock my heart and let you in.

I want to,

I really do,

But I will not allow myself to break again...

Ravaged

Like a spider you spin your trap,

Waiting for a hopeless soul to wonder by.

You pray upon me.

My insecurities,

My hopes,

My dreams,

You show me a bright future

full of happiness and love,

Only to laugh at the false hope you gave.

Your strong arms around me,

Once a safe haven from this crazy world,

Now a closing trap full despair and pain.

You broke my spirit,

You clawed at my soul,

You fed off of my soul,

And left when I was nothing more than a shadow.

How can I go on?

I have nothing left.

You gave me so much,

And took it all away.

Burn

When you’re gone, I walk through hell.
Through the fire and flames I enter.
I take it as a mere stroll not caring
what of me burns.

I swim through the boiling lava for you,
Feeling nothing,
Only numbness.

But when you come back to me I will be
utterly useless,
For my soul has burned in hell for
eternity.

-written by my awsome friend, Kabra Taylor :)